Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
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I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun