H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
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Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
PLEASE READ
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof