If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
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Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
We like the way Dwight thinks
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.