Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
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Sending in my taxes
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …