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If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Pigeon open mic night.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes