Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture