Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
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*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.