[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
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I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I am all good here, 😂😉
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.