Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
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Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what