Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
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The Wolf of Wall Street.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.