それは草
You Might Also Like
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow