At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
You Might Also Like
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Meow
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel