Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
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Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
The happy life.. 😊
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing