Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*