Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
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Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
What about a To-Don’t List?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Inside you there are two wolves