*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
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It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
War & Peace
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.