LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
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Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!