Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
You Might Also Like
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
And that about sums it up.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”