Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
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[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
girls literally only want one thing..
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?