He took my last fry, your honor
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PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*