[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles