[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
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I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
kids play hide and seek like
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together