Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
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Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft