Alexa: *deep breath*
You Might Also Like
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
i will not be silenced
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
😂😂😂
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!