Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
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I’d … I’d rather not.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Monday Lisa
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Cndnsd Mlk
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…