Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
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According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Art by Pastelkatto
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.