I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
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[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I get distracted pretty eas
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.