Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
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“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔