What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
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Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
When you “pspspsp” too hard
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Storm Tropical Storm
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.