I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
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*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
i meant to share this earlier
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down