Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
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Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!