Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
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“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.