Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
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A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Cool shirt 🙂
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?