cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
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My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I like crazy people until they notice me
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.