I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.