Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
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Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.