Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
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I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
This is amazing.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Finally, a door that understands me
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
subtitles are so good nowadays
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.