SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
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*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
*puts cutlery down*
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?