Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
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Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off