You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
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MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter