Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
You Might Also Like
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
when someone compliments me
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
The Sun
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.