[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
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Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”