Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
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My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
#damn
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol