this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
You Might Also Like
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”