mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
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*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
From my Mom
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie