Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
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Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
“You drive, I’m tired.”
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..