Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
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From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
*puts words between two asterisks*
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!