Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
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Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.