I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
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BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
love it when they get my name right
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet