ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
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I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
LA today:
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.